. The Philistines caught him and gouged his eyes out. And much like the animated character Shrek, Balaam had a talking donkey as a sidekick. grape juice. Noah:  Honey! May put me in search of those stories just for fun reading. Jesus:  “I am the one speaking to you –I am he!”. You may get a kick out of this one. The thugs and leaders, including Judas Iscariot, came along with clubs and swords to take Jesus away for trial. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information). The man answered something to the  effect that yes he did but he was too paralyzed to be the first one in the pool after the Heavenly Egg Beating. A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well that Jesus was sitting on. . The floodgates of the sky are opening! . He was a wicked prophet who lived around the time of Moses’ death of. ", Bedtime Stories for Grown Up Children #55555. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines. One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out. It weighed two shekels which equaled four to five pounds. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory has learned about Gideon so far: One day, shortly after the Israelites got back from the excitement of  battling Canaanites and cutting off the big toes and thumbs of  seventy kings, they were experiencing a lull so, not knowing what else to do with themselves,  they decided to do what they always did when they were bored — sin against the Lord. . His long hair made him a muscle man no one could bring down. His devotion to Jesus failed. Giving his sandal to Boaz was an act of sealing the deal. He gave them permission to throw him overboard. And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all! The disciples and Jesus wanted to go to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. I’m standing right here. The first one she named Cain because she had always liked that name. "Even enough to die. . Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went! Everybody in unison:  Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email. But once again, when they came to capture him he burst out of the ropes. He was so dead asleep the disciples had to shake him awake. Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring. Duh! The Philistines gave Delilah the bowstrings, then hid in the house while she tied him up. He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men! . Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing  and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves. The bible says they all sang this song: “Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy. Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus. In  last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. Christ cursed the fig tree in front of his followers and declared that it would never again produce fruit. Aaron:  Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight? (Luckily, Adam and Eve had eaten enough of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to know how to farm,  but were still several bites shy of an Agricultural Sciences degree.). Boaz then told him the land came with Ruth. When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was  601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes! . Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING? Moses: Can I at least have a break to eat my goat sandwich I brought from home? "Who is this that even the wind and waves obey Him?". Apparently, this was a tradition in certain business transactions in that day. This made Jonah really mad because he still hated the Ninevites. King C:  Hahahahaha! “And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.” — Revelation 8:1. It just kept blowing and blowing and blowing so that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. That funny bible! Moses:  Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya? In those days, Samaria was to Jesus and his disciples what Mexico is to Americans today. I need to ice my trick chiseling elbow. It was just as well, really, because as it turns out the unwashed masses had forgotten and left the Ark of the Covenent in Moses’ tent  and a good time was had by everyone who wasn’t dead. It gave him a lot of time to think and pray while seaweed, fish of every size, and the whale's stomach acid swirled around him. Moses:  Yeah but I thought I could just shorten “covenant box” to “box” as my trick chiseling elbow is acting up again. . “Immediately what had been said about Nebuchadnezzar was fulfilled. Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting! Hail that will hit the boils and sting! Because when that final seal opens up there is exactly thirty minutes of silence in heaven. Peter wouldn't listen and rejected God's plan for Jesus. Aaron:  Me neither. Yes, the stories are pretty funny or strange. Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith. 1: Jesus Gets Hangry Delilah was a gem. What you just said is true. After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down: King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think? My boy and I still chit chat about Jodah. She wanted a guarantee he would follow through and asked for his walking stick and identification seal and its cord. Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have. So he challenged the Baal prophets to set fire to a pile of logs by calling upon their god. The Lord:  I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo? . You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem. . Now Jesus was telling the man to pick up his bed and walk, and this was a task that was considered work which was completely against the law on the Sabbath. Unfortunately that was not Absolam's end. Because when a few local kids started making fun of his lack of hair, Elisha had a curious (and slightly extreme) reaction. . He made the trek all the way to the wicked city and preached as he was commanded. MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA! I am a believer but Jonah living inside the whale is hard to( swallow.) The second one she named Abel because she wasn’t able to think of any other name she liked. The ship was tossing and heaving and water was probably splashing all over him, and the disciples were probably shouting back and forth. Rumor has it he put his back out from hauling his bed around everywhere and ended up right back at the Bethesda Pool. . But the Lord never mentioned the parting of the Red Sea as He wasn’t that big on bragging, but was always secretly hoping someone else would bring that part up. U.S.A. on April 01, 2019: Sorry but I had to stop at Cary Grant's Judy judy judy. He was hanging there that way when he was spotted. The Lord:  No! King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up? He was willing to go through the legal process of giving the closest kin the opportunity to marry Ruth. Look closely. One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships. No wait . What else? . Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours.” — Matthew 17:27. He scooped up some of the golden goop and ate it. Proverbs is an incredible book — so full of wisdom and pithy sayings. We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains! Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James. Just like Samson's first wife, Delilah pouted and nagged and played the victim. don’t write that down you idiot . Noah:  OKAY! Three days he was in that whale's belly. Shortly thereafter,  they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau. God sent a worm to eat up the bush while Jonah pouted to teach him a lesson. She pitched another fit and just as with the first wife, it says he gave in because she tormented him with her nagging until "he was sick to death of it," lol. Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut. The Lord:  That’s rhetorical, isn’t it? Spy:  Uh, I don’t think there’s  going to be any battle. But I will have me some more of your brother’s delightful mouthwatering first-born lamb! We’ve got to give the guy props for not hesitating or questioning God’s will. James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle. Balaam didn’t see the angel, but his donkey did. “And he said to me, “Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the people of Israel.” So I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat. Boaz did marry Ruth and they gave birth to a boy named Obed, who would become King David's grandfather and in the lineage of Christ. Seated in a window was a young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. got it. apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early. Japheth:  Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham. Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth. Moses: There always is . "The eleven stood up, and Peter was Bowled! You’re threatening me with flies? how about a disease to kill all your animals!! .what’s the matter, Cain, you look angry. Maybe that’s just your stomach growling again. And there you have it, Dear Readers! The next verse in Revelation mentions angels playing trumpets. Elisha likely pulled this off this unusual bear attack with the help of God. He made up a story saying it would take seven bowstrings. He found out she tricked him and was pregnant with his child. But here's the chuckle part. This is one of the rare scenarios where a toupee would have saved countless lives. did I grab the wrong egg beater again?”, Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window). Anyway, the Midianites would wreak havoc on the Israelites by trampling their crops, tipping their cows, messing up their hairdos and giving them all robe wedgies. Are you going to eat the rest of your fig? Even if it’s just making fun of their bald spot.

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